Giving Good Dance

19th September 2011

Introduction

Ask a woman what was the best tango of her life, and her eyes will go hazy as she is transported back to that moment, and moments later she will wax lyrical about 'connection', 'magic', 'floating' etc. Personally, I think this search for the 'perfect dance' can get a little over-romanticized, but there's no getting away from the fact that good dances are memorable.

I was in Marbella, and at a fairly quiet Milonga, when an unassuming older gentleman asked me to dance. I hadn't danced in a while, and had been feeling clumsy all evening. I had also spent several dances trying to second guess leads that were ambiguous, and I was stressed. I was preparing for more of the same, and we started to dance.

However, as this man led me in a series of very simple steps, and a couple of very basic figuras, I realised I could not put a foot wrong. His lead was unforced, yet unequivocal. I relaxed into the music and the movement. This was easy! As I picked up confidence, he led me into more complex figuras - one of them was very fast and included a series of steps I had never encountered before, but I executed it like a pro! There was only ever one option for the next step, which came naturally and easily, and I emerged from that figura breathless and triumphant.

I did make a couple of mis-steps along the way, but they were left behind in the instant, somehow corrected-for so they did not interrupt the flow. I started taking my time, embellishing more, feeling confident I was in good hands.

At the end of the dance, I felt I had danced like a goddess. Whether or not it looked that way to observers is irrelevant. I was a goddess while I danced with this man.

Does this make him a god? Perhaps.

How do you do (it)?

So, as a leader, how do you give good dance?

Some things this man did not do:

  • Stop me mid-dance and point out flaws in my technique.
  • Sigh, or in any other way make a big deal out of my mistakes.
  • Push me to do fancy figuras to show off his dancing.
  • Rush me when I was decorating.
  • List me his 'rules' (as in no talking, I only like this kind of music etc) - this man was accepting, possibly because he knew he would handle anything thrown his way.

Some things he did:

  • His lead was clear and unambiguous- I was never at a loss of what to do next.
  • Matched his dancing to my skill level.
  • Acknowledged my apology for a mis-step with a smile, but made it clear it was not necessary to apologise.
  • He made sure I found the dancing easy. This made me dance better than I ever thought possible.
  • He turned out to be the master of the comfort zone - creating a big enough comfort zone for the both of us to play in.

Conclusion

All this takes a lot of skill- knowing what is and what is possible next for your partner takes many hours of dancing to hone. Yet I have danced with people with less skill who are also up there on my favourite dances list, and what got them onto it was attitude. Not doing any of the things on the 'no' list gets you about half-way there already. It creates a 'safe zone'.

Many of us are very sensitive to criticism, and we worry about stuff - 'What if they are bored dancing with me'; 'I've been sweating, I hope I don't smell'; 'I'm sure I don't dance as well as other people he's danced with'.

If a leader, with his attitude, can create an accepting space, where for the next 5-10 minutes these things not only don't matter, but are utterly irrelevant, he is already a tango god to me.

Tanja Raaste, 19th September 2011

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